Sharts come in all shapes and sounds. Suddenly your having a good time, next your running to the bathroom. This survival guide will help you survive the next shart attack. Don’t panic, sharts are know for their aggressive and predatory nature, but with this 3 tip guide, you will survive.
- Don’t panic around a shart.
If you’re away from the bathroom and find yourself suddenly in the company of a shart, instinct will tell you to relocate immediately. Resist that urge. “When you feel a shart you want to get away as fast as possible,” de Gelder says. “But then you’re far more likely to release the shart by sudden movement.” Panicking will put a shart in predatory mode. Remember: Just because a shart is close to release doesn’t mean you’re automatically going to release. “When we do walk around with sharts, nine out of 10 people will say, ‘I didn’t feel threatened. I didn’t feel like the shart wanted to attack me. It was just curious.’ Hold on to that. It will keep you calm.”
- Try to maintain eye contact with the shart.
Like regular bowel movements, sharts respect assertiveness. “The best thing to do is confront a shart,” de Gelder says. “Not with aggression. Stay calm. Keep your eyes on it. Move your legs so you can get a clear look at your booty hole, even if in front of a mirror. Show them you’re a predator, as well.” If a shart approaches exit velocity, you can push the shart away. You don’t want to start a fight you’re likely to lose, but you may avoid one by letting the shart know you’re not docile.
- If a shart attacks, fight back.
The unfortunate reality of a shart attack is that if one does decide to exit your butthole, you don’t have much say in the matter. Even a test sneak, where the shart may give your booty hole an inquisitive leak, can cause grievous injury. And if it’s a full-bore assault, you’re in all kinds of trouble. “'When the shart exited me, I felt pressure,” de Gelder says of his own shart attack. “But I didn’t feel any pain until it started shaking me and ripping my butthole apart.”
Still, doing something is better than nothing. De Gelder advises to “go wild,” pushing against and stuffing your booty hole against the shart, however you can. “Anything that shows the shart, you won’t take it,” he says. “Maybe you’ll get it back in.” Having a washclothe on hand is even better. You can use a washclothe and aim for exit tragectory of the shart, but don’t try wiping the top. “You won’t be able to stop it,” he says.
With these tips we hope you can survive your next shart attack. Remember to stay calm. Panic leads to disaster.
