THE BATMAN? More like The Trashman…
The Batman is a complete dumpster fire with little flaming dingleberries soaring through the air in flying squirrel suits. And there is not one thing that would change my mind about this.
If I’m honest about it, (and I always am) the only actual good thing about this movie was the score. Simple, dark and very foreboding. For a movie about crooks being scared shirtless of a nut in a bat suit, the score felt right at home. But that’s all that was good.
Not to say that the performers didn’t try. I couldn’t say that anyone phoned it in. They didn’t. But they weren’t very good in their roles. Colin Farrell did the best job, by far.
Zoe Kravitz is the worst Catwoman to date. She’s nothing at all like Selina Kyle, and that’s saying something when the last one was Anne put-me-to-sleep Hathaway. Selina is a playful, sultry feminine master thief. Not a perpetually pissed off crappy thief. I didn’t think it could get worse than Anne, but dang, Zoe, you really did it! You made me hate Catwoman. Thanks.
Jeffery Wright, you did your best, sir, and I tip my hat to you. I didn’t hate your Jim Gordon. I just wasn’t that crazy about it either. You blew Pat Hingle off the map, but in comparison to Gary Oldman, you fell just a little short (but really, who wouldn’t?). 2nd prize.
Paul Dano, you could’ve been the best Riddler ever. You really could’ve. But Mr. Reeves is a dipshit with no clue as to the character of the Riddler, much less his appearance. And that bastardization of an origin? Trash. The Riddler is not the Joker (I have no clue why anyone would make him like the Joker) and is also not the Zodiac killer. The Riddler doesn’t even do all that much killing. He’s more of a crook-of-all-trades. People may die once in a while, but he’s not some misguided crusader for truth. Still better than Jim Carrey though. But not Frank Gorshen. If the riddler is gonna be goofy, gimme Frank.
John Turturro. Just stop. Please.
Andy Serkis, what can I say… except that he isn’t Alfred Pennyworth. More like his soccer hooligan nephew. I like Andy as a performer, but I don’t believe for one second that he’s a high society butler. His accent isn’t even high society. Sorry, bro.
And finally, Robert Pattinson…
To paraphrase a great character, “Kid, you tried your hardest… and you failed miserably. So the point is… never try.” I don’t blame you for reading for the part. I don’t blame you for taking the part. I blame you for being a terrible actor. I blame you for not saying, “hey, this costume sucks. Let’s make it better,” or " the car sucks, fix it," or “really? A flying squirrel suit, not the bat-cape-glider?!?”, or “what’s up with the stupid would-be bat on my chest?,” or “why is bruce wayne a brooding dickhead all the time?,” or “am I supposed to be the Crow when I’m not being Batman?,” All of those would’ve been good. But you didn’t. Because you stink at your job. I have no clues as to how you wound up in that role, much less ANY role, but my hat is off to you for managing to get away with whatever scam you’re running. Can someone bring back George Clooney please?!? I’d take anyone else at this point.
If Batman is supposed to be the greatest detective, how come he couldn’t outsmart the Riddler?
Gordon is a career cop and veteran detective. Why can’t he solve anything at all?!?
The Batmobile looks terrible (not as bad as the Tumbler, but crappy nonetheless). The Batcycle looks terrible. And what’s up with the headlights of all the motorcycles and cars pulling right up to the screen with the lights on, blinding the whole theater, Mr. Reeves? Whose idea was that? What an asshole!
Why is this movie 3 hours long? Hire an editor! Or two. It’s boring most of the time. MOST of the time. In a 3 hr movie!
I wish people could just stop fuckin around with the Wayne’s. They were written to be great people, Bruce’s moral compass. They weren’t involved with organized crime. Martha Wayne wasn’t crazy either. Thomas wasn’t into politics. He stayed away from that and even the family business mostly, being a physician. Doesn’t anyone follow the Donner rule of “Don’t mess with the basics” anymore? They should start. Writers, Matt Reeves, your new ideas aren’t better than the original foundations of the characters.
Can we please have characters look and act the way they’re supposed to? You know, BE the characters? Use the animated series as a template please. But you won’t. Because you stink.
And quit with the “rich people bad. White people bad” stuff. It’s not necessary. So why bother?
Your movie is in the top 3 worst Batman movies. Granted, it’s the best of the worst, but its still one of the worst.
Please quit. Don’t make a sequel.
I should’ve gone to see Spiderman again.
